


High Five For Morale

by fictitiousponies



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Alcohol, Asexual Jonathan Sims, Background Sasha James/Tim Stoker, Camping, Canon Asexual Character, Elias Bouchard Being a Bastard, F/M, Gen, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist is a Mechanism, M/M, Never Have I Ever, Only One Bed, Pre-Season/Series 01, Season/Series 05 Spoilers, archive crew bonding, mechs!jon, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-13
Updated: 2020-07-07
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:13:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,947
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23635867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fictitiousponies/pseuds/fictitiousponies
Summary: The Archive crew go on a team-building camping trip. Elias thinks it's the perfect opportunity for his Archivist to experience some of what the Entities have to offer.Hijinks and Shenanigans ensue.
Relationships: Martin Blackwood/Jonathan Sims
Comments: 196
Kudos: 480





	1. In The Beginning

**Author's Note:**

> This was born from the official Rusty Quill discord talking about the og archive crew going camping and I had to write it. This is just the first chapter, but I DO have so many plans for this. A lot of ideas came from other people in the discord, and I've cherry picked things I liked. 
> 
> This is supposed to be a lighthearted, self-indulgent fic. Bit of a spoiler but nothing bad is going to happen to our crew, Elias is just being a douchecanoe and I want to see all his plans hilariously foiled. 
> 
> This isn't beta'd cause ain't nobody got time for that.
> 
> Enjoy!

Tim stood in the institute break room, sipping his tea while he vented to Sasha.

“Things have just been so tense lately. I think I’m going to go camping this weekend, get out of the city. Fresh air and some kayaking, it’ll do me good.” Tim told her. “Do you want to come with?”

Sasha gave a little snort. “Me? In the woods? No thank you, I prefer having a stable internet connection and access to a proper hospital just in case.”

“Cmon Sash! It’ll be fun! You, me, the great outdoors! I’ll even bring an air mattress.” Tim said, wiggling his eyebrows.

Sasha laughed and shook her head. “We agreed that was a one-time thing, Tim.”

“You mean you agreed, I’m still holding out hope you’ll fall madly in love with me.” Tim teased. “This camping trip is all a part of my plan to woo you.”

“Oh Tim, how could I resist your manly charms.” Sasha deadpanned.

It was in that moment that Martin walked into the breakroom, surprised that they both already had tea in their hands.

“Oh, you’ve already made it.” Martin frowned. “Sorry, I guess I was a little tied up, J-Jon wanted-”

“It's alright Martin, we are capable of making our own tea.” Sasha smiled, taking a sip from her cup. “Tim was just telling me he wanted to go on a group camping trip.” She said, her eyes sparkling with mischief. Tim shot her a look.

“O-oh! A group camping trip? With who?” Martin asked, moving to grab two mugs from the cabinet so he could make himself and Jon some tea.

“All of us. He just invited me, he was going to invite you and Jon next.” Sasha said, her grin widening. Tim flipped her off while Martin still had his back turned.

“Like- like a work retreat?” Martin asked, pouring the hot water from the kettle into the two mugs after he’d put the teabags in.

“No, not like a work retreat. No work allowed, actually. It's supposed to be a relaxing weekend to get us away from work.” Tim told him. “Would you want to go? You don’t seem much like the...camping type. No offense.”

Martin blushed. “Oh, none taken. I don’t seem like it but actually I spent a lot of time in the woods as a child. We lived backed up against some, and I always liked going out and pretending I was exploring. Searching for a magical plant that would- well.” Martin went even redder. “I spent a lot of time in the woods. I’d love to come.”

“Great, now we just need Jon!” Sasha said brightly.

“So you are coming?” Tim asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Sure, if everyone else is going.” Sasha smiled. “It’ll be fun.”

___________________________________

“Absolutely not.”

“Cmon Jon, Martin and Sasha are coming!” Tim said, kicking his feet up on Jon’s desk. Jon shot him a look and pointedly pushed Tim’s feet off. Tim noticed the small grimace on Jon’s face at the mention of Martin. It was a shame Jon seemed so intent on giving Martin a hard time, Tim thought Martin was lovely.

“I’m not the...outdoors type, Tim.” Jon grumbled, sorting through various statements on his desk. He was trying to put them in some semblance of order, but they seemed to be all over the place. Not for the first time since he became head archivist, Jon mentally cursed Gertrude Robinson.

“It won't be that bad, I know what I’m doing.” Tim said. “I wouldn’t take you anywhere dangerous. Just a nice little spot I go to sometimes to get away. I’ve been there dozens of times, know my way around! It will be fun. You do remember what fun is, right boss?” Tim goaded.

“Knock knock.” A voice came from the door. “I hope I’m not interrupting anything important.”

Jon looked up, straightening slightly at the sight of Elias Bouchard. “Hello, Elias. Erm- no, Tim was just- talking about his weekend plans. Idle gossip while we work.” He said, holding up the folders of statements.

“Oh? Anything exciting?” Elias asked Tim, ever the nosy, if pleasant, boss.

“Camping trip, trying to get Jon to come along actually.” Tim said with a grin. “All the Archival assistants are going.”

Elias perked up. “A group camping trip?”

“Ridiculous.” Jon mumbled. “A waste of a-”  
“That's a wonderful idea!” Elias said, his face lighting up. “In fact, I highly recommend it! Jonathan, you should go!”

Jon looked up at Elias, eyes wide. “You can’t be serious, Elias.”

“Oh very! Treat it as a bonding exercise! It's important to be close to your assistants, Jon. It builds trust and morale! In fact, the institute will fund this little excursion.” Elias said brightly. “Bring me the receipts of anything you purchase for the trip and we’ll reimburse you.”

“Yes!” Tim said, fist-pumping the air. “Institute funded weekend! Now you have to go, Jon. Its a job requirement!”

Jon sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose. “Alright then, Tim. But you’re in charge of planning!”

“Don’t worry, Boss! I’ve got it handled.” Tim said, shooting up out of the chair to go tell Martin and Sasha they were on for this weekend.

“Oh, don’t look so glum, Jon.” Elias said. “What could possibly go wrong?” He asked, a little smirk playing on his face that Jon didn’t quite like. Elias turned on his heels and left. Jon completely forgot to ask him what he’d come in for in the first place…  
__________________________________

In his office, Elias sat with a little chart he kept locked away in his safe, 14 categories with a little box next to it adorned the page. The categories marked ‘Eye’ and ‘Web’ had little tick marks in their boxes. Elias underlined another category.

“This will be _perfect_.” He said, a dark laugh passing his lips.

______________________________

Friday afternoon after work saw the four archival staff members of the Magnus institute piling into Tim’s range rover, their bags and supplies tossed in the spacious back. Sasha had quickly called dibs on the front seat, and Jon only grumbled somewhat about his tendency to get travel sick in the back. Martin had smiled sweetly and offered him a set of small gray wrist-bands with a bit of plastic on them.

“Helps with travel sickness. Something about...pressure points?” Martin said. Jon muttered a thanks and slid them on, but he’d planned to attempt to sleep during their journey anyway.

Tim continued to pile bags that Martin had brought along with them into the back of his car.  
“Martin, you do realize we’re going for a weekend, not a month, yeah?” Tim grunted, hefting another bag in.

“Sorry, I like being prepared. I wasn’t sure if you were providing the tents so I brought my own, and then I’ve brought enough food for all of us just in case someone forgot, then there are emergency kits. I’ve got flair guns in case we get lost, maps of the area, a few space blankets, a decent first aid kit, splints, rope, water purifying tabs-”

“Wow Martin you sure are...prepared.” Sasha said, biting her lip to keep from laughing.

Jon frowned, “Were we supposed to bring our own tents?”

“Do you not have one, Jon?” Tim asked him.

“Er- no. I didn’t know I needed one?” Jon said, wishing someone had told him beforehand what he was meant to bring other than changes of clothes and hygiene needs.

“Oh, well I’m sure Martin wouldn’t mind sharing.” Sasha piped up.

“Sasha I-”

“I don’t think-”

“Great idea Sasha!” Tim said over the two of them, slamming the boot shut.

“Er, yeah. Right, of course you can share with me, Jon. There's plenty of room, it's a four-person tent, would have fit all of us if we needed.” Martin babbled.

Jon just sighed, mentally groaning at the idea of having to spend the weekend bunked up with Martin. He supposed it wasn’t so bad, none of the things that annoyed him about Martin would probably crop up in a non-work environment, and he would likely only be using the tent to sleep and change. He just hoped Martin didn’t snore.

________________________________

Something stirred Jon awake. He blinked and groaned softly, and his pillow moved beneath his head.

No, not a pillow.

Jon startled and sat upright, then looked sheepishly at Martin.  
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to- er-”

“Don’t worry about it, Jon! It's totally fine. You erm...only drooled a little.” Martin said, a small teasing smile on his lips.

Jon was about to reply until he realized the reason he had been awoken in the first place. Tim and Sasha were belting out ‘500 Miles’ by The Proclaimers, which was crooning over Tim’s car stereo.

“And I WOULD WALK 500 MILES-”

“AND I WOULD WALK 500 MORE!”

“TO BE THE MAN WHO WALKED 1000 MILES TO WIND UP AT YOUR DOOR”

“BADADADADA”

“BADADADADA”

“BADADADADA-”

“Can we...not do that?” Jon piped up, rubbing his temples to soothe the headache that was starting to form.

“Alright, Mr. Spoilsport. What would you rather listen to?” Tim asked, turning the radio down.

“It's not the song I’ve a problem with, it's the two of you belting along to it.” Jon groaned.

“Cmon Jon, singing in the car is fun.” Sasha said. “Would you like to put on your own music? We don’t mind if you sing along.” Sasha said, handing Jon the aux cord.

Jon mumbled something about not wanting to sing along but took the offered cord anyway. At least if he played something they either didn’t know or that was softer, he’d have less of a headache. Jon plugged the cord into his phone and went through until he found a song he decided was acceptable and pressed play.

Sasha and Tim chatted away upfront quietly and Jon allowed his eyes to close again, purposefully leaning back against the headrest instead of on Martin’s shoulder again. He let the sounds of his own music soothe his anxiety and headache, nearly drifting back off to sleep when suddenly…

“ANTE-UP GENTLEMAN THE GAME IS NEW TEXAS HOLD-EM. HERE AT ONE-EYED JACK'S WE ONLY PLAY WITH 52 CARD, NO JOKERS, BUT SUICIDE KINGS ARE WILD! WELCOME TO THE HOUSE-"

Jon scrambled for his phone to turn it off.

“What was _that_?” Tim asked, turning back to glance at Jon, who had gone beat red, before turning his eyes back on the road.

“Nothing, it was- nothing-”

“That sounded a bit like...was that _you_ , Jon?” Sasha asked, turning to look at him.

“Wait, that was you?” Martin asked him, wide-eyed.

“Look its- I had-” Jon babbled, trying to come up with an excuse. “Its nothing, an old project. We’re dropping it.”

“Alright boss, but you’ve got to tell us at some point.” Tim grinned. “We won't forget it that easy.”

Jon groaned.

________________________________

Back in London, Elias picked up the phone and dialed a number. It rang a few times before being picked up by a slightly annoyed voice.

“Hello! Its Elias. I’m calling to...cash in a favor you owe me.”

The voice on the other line sighed.

“What do you want?”

“Oh, nothing much. I’ll give you a time and a place. *Don’t* kill the Archivist. The other three I don’t care much about, if you need to take one to get it done, by all means.”

The voice on the other end agreed, and Elias grinned. Everything was going exactly to plan.

_______________________________________

Tim’s range rover pulled to a stop.

“Here we are!” Tim said, gesturing out the window as if presenting something grand. Jon blinked at the nothingness outside. All he saw were trees, he didn’t even think there was really much of a road anymore.

“...where, Tim? All I see is...woods.” Jon said, looking around.

“Exactly! The great outdoors! This is as far as we can get by car, we’ll need to park here and hike a bit to the actual clearing we’re camping in. Its not far though, I promise.” Tim said, getting out of the car.

“We’re leaving the car here? What if it gets broken into, stolen!?” Jon protested.

“Its fine Boss, I do this all the time.” Tim reassured. “No one comes out this far anyway.”

“Somehow that...doesn’t reassure me.” Jon mumbled.

“Cmon Jon, what do you think will happen?” Sasha asked, a teasing smile on her face. “An ax murderer is going to hunt us down? We’ll come across a spooky ghost? We’re not in a horror movie, Jon.”

Jon went a bit red and glowered at her.

“Jon, it’s alright.” Martin said softly to him. “There's four of us, Tim goes camping here all the time. Look, I even still have cell signal.” Martin said, holding up his phone. “We’ll be fine.” he said reassuringly.

Jon looked towards where Tim had alluded to them needing to walk, and then back at Tim and Sasha who were unloading the car.

This was going to be a long weekend.


	2. Spit in the face of history!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The team gets settled and Elias' plans start to unfold....or do they?
> 
> Plus, tipsy never have I ever and Martin pining.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, many thanks to the official Rusty Quill discord for giving me ideas (particularly the never have I evers).
> 
> Unbeta'd again, because I'm impatient. 
> 
> Also I realize my writing is super dialogue heavy and not super description heavy and I'm sorry that just how I am. Tragic.

“Here we are! Nice little clearing, big enough for two tents-”    
  


“ Three tents, Tim. I brought my own.” Sasha said pointedly.

Tim sighed dramatically. “ _Three_ tents. Plus, we’ll build a nice little fire pit, I brought along some chairs so we can sit around and roast marshmallows and tell spoooky stories.” Tim grinned.   
  


“We don’t get enough spooky stories at work?” Jon asked flatly, practically dropping the gear he had been carrying. He rolled his shoulders to stretch them out, glad that Martin had offered to take some of the heavier things. He had felt slightly bad, allowing Martin to carry some of his share of the gear, but it didn’t seem to bother Martin any, so Jon tried to quell the guilt that bubbled.

“Did you bring any statements? Those would be good for a nice fireside tale. Especially the way you read them, boss.” Tim said cheerily.

  
  
“Cmon don’t you think that's a bit...inappropriate?” Martin interjected quietly. “Those statements actually happened to people. Using someone’s trauma as...entertainment?”

“They allegedly happened to people.” Jon pointed out. “There's really no proof for most of them that they are anything more than fireside tales anyway. But no, I didn’t bring any. God forbid I lost one and someone came across it. Wouldn’t have been very professional. You’ll have to rely on your own imaginations if you want a ghost story.”

“Aw Jon, you’re no fun.” Tim said, beginning to set his own things down and sort through them to start setting up their campsite.

“I never claimed to be. Now, what are we meant to do? Set up tents? There are...poles and things, yes?” Jon asked, looking through the bags to see if he could find them.

  
  
“Jon, I have our tent here. Everythings in with it.” Martin said, hefting the tent bag up. He set it down and unzipped it, pulling out a roll of fabric and a box with tent poles. 

Jon did his best to help Martin set up the tent, though they needed to call Tim over a few times to help as well. Soon enough, all three tents were set up and spiked down. Martin got started on inflating the air mattress he had brought. Jon grabbed the sleeping bag he had brought and laid it out in the tent he was sharing with Martin and looked slightly longingly at the air mattress.

“Jon, would you like to use my air mattress? I only brought it because I had it, I don’t mind sleeping on the ground.” Martin offered softly. Jon scowled at him.

“No, I’m not going to...take your air mattress, Martin. I’ve slept on worse, the cot in the archives isn’t the most comfortable and in Uni I spent some nights just-.” Jon shut his mouth.

“Just what, Jon?” Martin asked, interested in hearing about Jon’s time in Uni.

  
  
“Nothing. Long study sessions, sometimes I’d fall asleep sitting at my desk, or on my friend's floor.” Jon said, clear he wasn’t totally telling the full truth. 

“You know, Jon, it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world to open up to us a bit,” Martin told him. “I realize we’re just your assistants, but we are still...We aren’t going to judge you for things, you know? I’m sure all of us have weird Uni stories.” Martin didn’t, but no one but Tim knew that. “I mean, you don’t end up in a place like The Magnus Institute without having...some sort of colorful past, right? It's a weird place to work.” Martin said, a small laugh bubbling from his chest.

Jon went a bit red and nodded. “Yes well….I’m going to go get some more things to bring into the tent.” He muttered, leaving the tent. Maybe he would share some things about his time in Uni. It's not like...it's not like he was a criminal(a real one, anyway), or did anything horrible. It was just, a bit embarrassing is all. Jon thought Martin had a point, surely there were some embarrassing skeletons in everyone's closet. 

As Jon left the tent, he spotted Tim and Sasha whispering conspiratorially to each other. He gave them a look. “What are the two of you whispering about?”

“Nothing!” 

“Firewood!” 

Jon blinked at them. Sasha cleared her throat.

“We need firewood. Tim and I were discussing who should go collect it.” Sasha clarified. 

“You mean we didn’t bring any?” Jon asked, surprised. 

“I brought fire starters!” Martin called from inside the tent. Of course he had.

“No no no, we’ll collect our own. We’re surrounded by forest! It hasn’t rained in a while, any fallen log will do.” Tim said. “Jon, why don’t you and I go? Martin is still setting things up and Sasha wanted to build the pit.” 

Jon narrowed his eyes. “Alright,” he said. “Let's go.”

_____________________________

Deep in the forest, there was a hole. Covered in sticks and leaves, the hole was unassuming and undetectable, just waiting for some poor soul to step in exactly the wrong spot and plummet down, down, down. 

The hole was not man-made, no shovel had dug this whole to purposefully trap an animal. No, the hole had been created by the earth itself, a hungry maw opening, begging to be fed. 

Should anything fall into this hole, it would tumble down into its depths, lost to the world above forever. The hole planned to collapse in on itself then, no longer needed in that spot. Soft, heavy dirt would pile on top of its unwitting victim, covering them, choking them until they could no longer breathe, no longer move. 

The hole had been promised a sacrifice in exchange for something else. It was a trade worth making. A small knick, a brush of one of the roots running through the hole's sidewalls as the Archivist reached desperately for his fallen friend. A mark. 

“-think that you and Martin are getting kinda cosey, aye?” A voice said. There, that one. That would be the hole's next meal.

“Wh-what? Don’t be ridiculous.” Archivist. Not for consuming.

“I saw you fall asleep on his shoulder. Snoozing like a little lamb.” The hole's food laughed. 

  
“Is that a thing? Snoozing lambs?” 

“Don’t change the subje- Jon?” The Archivist had stopped moving towards the hole, stopping the hole's food from moving too.

“Hm. Let's go this way.” The Archivist murmured, his words almost too quiet for the hole to hear, but they had been so close. So close to stepping in just the right spot.

But the Archivist had turned them away. That wasn’t supposed to happen. The hole has been promised, the hole reached out with its power and tried to redirect them back.

  
“Jon, are you sure? I thought I saw a big log that-”

“ _Tim_. I’m sure. Let's go this way.” The Archivist insisted, bringing the hole's food away, away, away.

_____________________

Elias answered his ringing phone.

“Elias Bouchard speaking, how may I-” Elias paused, his eyes narrowing.

“What do you mean it didn’t work out? I told you exactly where they were going to be.” Elias spat to the voice on the other end.

“So try again!....It takes how long to move the hole? Right...right.” Elias sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose. “Nevermind. You still owe me a favor.” He said and hung up.

“Useless pile of dirt.” Elias grumbled, scribbling ‘Buried’ off his little list, unchecked.

Elias picked the phone up and dialed, waiting for the other line to be answered.

“Jude, its Elias. How would you like to start a forest fire?”

___________________

Jon and Tim arrived back at the campsite carrying a decent sized log between them. They set it down and Tim went to fetch the ax he had brought for cutting firewood. Sasha had dug a small pit for a fire and made a little ring around the outside with rocks, already filling it with bits of newspaper and one of the fire-starters Martin had brought. She and Martin were now sat in two of the camping chairs, with cans of beer in their hands, sipping while chatting.

“Oi, we’ve been doing all the hard work while you two’ve been having bevs?” Tim complained, raising his arms and bringing the ax back down against the log. 

“We set up the rest of camp and then built the fire pit! You two found a log.” Sasha said, raising her eyebrow. “One log!”

“To be fair, it's a decent-sized log,” Martin said, taking another sip from the can. 

“See? Martin cares!” Tim said, bringing the ax back down again. 

Jon made his way over to the chairs and sat down in one, rubbing the back of his neck. Now that they were back at the campsite, the uneasy feeling he’d had while in the woods had ebbed away. He knew he was just being paranoid, but he was glad the feeling hadn’t followed him back to the campsite. 

“Here, Jon,” Sasha said, holding out a can of beer to him. Jon made a move to protest but Sasha waved it at him again. “Cmon, we’re relaxing, we’re having fun, we’re not at work.” She said.

Jon sighed and nodded, taking the can from her. He popped the top and took a sip, grumbling to himself because it was actually rather nice. He enjoyed beer, despite what people may assume from him. He knew he looked like someone who had snobby tastes in alcohol but he really didn’t. 

Tim came over with some pieces of wood he’d cut and started arranging them in the middle of the pit, then grabbed a lighter out of his pocket to light the firestarter and paper beneath the logs. Soon enough, the outer bits of the logs caught and they had a fire.

“About time, any longer and we’d have been stuck in the dark.” Sasha teased him

  
“Oh, I brought plenty of lanterns,” Martin assured them. “And the moon is out tonight...actually, is it full?” Martin asked, checking his phone.

“Scared of werewolves?” Tim asked, wiggling his eyebrows. He stepped away from the fire and grabbed a beer before flopping into the last remaining empty chair between Sasha and Jon.

“No,” Martin said. “But that might be a good place to start. Are we at the telling spooky stories time of night yet?” Martin asked.

“I think we’re cooking something over the fire time of night,” Sasha said, grabbing some sausages out of the cooler they’d brought. 

“Oh good plan, Sash. Woodcutting made me work up an appetite. Were you watching?” Tim asked teasingly.

“Yes yes, all your manly glory was showing.” Sasha deadpanned.

“I’d hope not,” Jon said. “I know we’re not at work but it is an institute funded trip, I think if Tim showed his manly glory to anyone a case could still be made to HR.” 

Beer shot out of Martin’s nose, and he sputtered and coughed.

“Martin, are you alright?!” Jon asked, concerned.

“Yeah, yes just- oh goodness. I hadn’t expected-”

  
“Hadn’t expected Jon to make a joke? None of us were.” Sasha said, grinning.

“Oh come on.” Jon frowned. “I realize I’m usually a bit...proper, but I DO have a fun side. I can make jokes.”

“Yeah?” Tim asked, grinning. “How about we play a game then, to prove how fun you are. Never Have I Ever been Head Archivist.”

Martin frowned. “Tim that's targeted, that's not fair.” He said. 

  
“Alls fair in love and war, Marto. And in Never Have I Ever.” Tim said. “Drink up Jonny boy.”

Jon glared. “Don’t call me Jonny, please.” He said before taking a sip of his beer. 

“My turn then? Never have I ever been named Tim.” Jon glared.

Tim stuck his middle finger up but drank.

“Okay alright, no,” Martin said, putting his foot down. “No targeted attacks. If you know something about someone that's one thing, but nothing like what you two just did.” He insisted.

“Ohh, Martin I like it when you’re bossy.” Tim grinned. Martin just flushed and looked at the fire.

“Alright, I’ll go,” Sasha said. “Never have I ever danced on a table naked.” 

Tim drank, but so did Martin.

“Martin!” Sasha said, scandalized. Martin flushed. 

“Tim drank too!” He protested.

“Yes, but I expected that from Tim.” Sasha giggled. “What happened?!”

“It was nothing, it was a dare,” Martin said, flushed. “In high school. Anyway. Never have I ever...hooked up with a coworker.” Martin said, biting his bottom lip.

Sasha and Tim both drank. 

Jon raised his eyebrows at them but didn’t say anything.

“Never have I ever...lied on my CV.” Tim said with a small smirk. Martin shot him a panicked and slightly betrayed look and took a sip of his beer.

Jon took a drink.

“Jon!?” Sasha said. “What did you lie about!?”

Jon rolled his eyes and sighed. “I put down that I spent a semester studying in Egypt but it was actually only a month course.” He said. 

“Martin, what did you lie about?” Jon asked curiously. Martin squeaked. 

  
“Oh uhm I, uhm. Languages? Languages. I put down that I’m fluent in Polish but I’m actually just- erm. I can speak it and read it but I’m not exactly fluent-”

“Oh, that's barely a lie,” Jon said. “You can speak and read it, I’ve heard you. You’re actually rather talented.” He admitted.

  
“Oh erm...thanks.” Martin said, still bright red. 

“Never have I ever shot a real gun,” Jon said. No one drank. “Hm, I was sure that’d get someone.” He pouted.

“Never have I ever been blackout drunk.” Sasha said.

Jon and Tim both drank. Once again, curious eyes turned to Jon.

Jon sighed “Listen, I had a bit of erm….a wild streak in Uni. Best get any pre-notions of me out of your mind now before my image is shattered forever.” Jon said, already starting to look a bit red in the cheeks. He had always been a lightweight.

"Never have I ever...been out of the UK." Martin said. Everyone else drank. 

"Kind of sad, Marto. We'll take a nice trip sometime, eh?" Tim grinned. "Germany's fun!" 

"Yeah, I'd like that." Martin smiled at him, feeling warmth bubble in his chest, whether it was from the alcohol or being included, he wasn't entirely sure. 

"Paris is lovely too." Jon pipped up. "Easy enough to get to, as well. Pop across the channel, and it's only a three-hour ride from Calais." Jon said. 

"Jon are you inviting Martin to go to Paris with you?" Sasha giggled. 

Jon's cheeks reddened even more. "N-no, I mean- not. Like that. I just- It's a nice place to go, I was suggesting-" 

"Never have I ever wanted to kiss my boss." Tim interrupted. Sasha's eyes went wide and Martin gave an absolutely pleading look to Tim. Tim just gave a smirk back to him. Martin shut his eyes and took a sip of his beer.

"....You....want to kiss..." Jon stared at Martin, his brain a bit fuzzy. 

"Oh god Jon, its-" 

"Elias?" Jon asked, bewildered. "Martin he's so much older than you! And-and, I think he has something going on with someone in the Lukas family, not to break your heart, I know he's the head of the institute but-" 

"Holy shit, holy shit! He’s so thick! He’s so fucking thick!” Tim hissed at Sasha while Jon babbled.

  
“You could do so much better, someone your own age, not to you know, judge your preferences or anything but I think Elias-”

“Jon I am begging you to shut up.” Martin said, his head in his hands. His face burned in humiliation. 

Jon frowned and stopped talking. 

“Fine, we’ll leave it. But you should really rethink.” Jon told him. “Never have I ever owned a dog.”

Sasha and Tim both drank.

“Martin? You’ve never had a dog?” Jon asked, surprised.

“No, always wanted one but my mum...er, it was always too much work.” Martin said, “But I do volunteer at the shelter sometimes.”

“That's awful endearing, Martin.” Tim grinned “He’s practically a saint, isn’t he, Jon?”

Jon blinked, confused. “I suppose it is nice of him but it's rather on brand for Martin, I’d think. He’s very…” Jon waved his hand at Martin. “Caring. Makes the tea and tries to give you blankets all the time.”

“I can honestly say Martin has never tried to give me a blanket.” Sasha raised her eyebrow.

“It's just- when he stays late you know, its- it gets cold and he's so.” Martin blushed “I could bring you blankets, Sasha!”

Sasha giggled. “Its alright, Martin. Never have I ever sung in a band.” Sasha grinned at Jon.

Jon sighed deeply, knowing this was going to come up again and took a sip.

“I KNEW IT!” Tim said, jumping to his feet. “I DARE YOU TO SING SOMETHING FOR US, JON!”

  
“We aren’t playing truth or dare, Tim.” Jon glared at him.

“All in favor of Jon singing one of his songs for us?” Tim asked. The three archival assistants’ hands shot in the air as they chorused “Aye!”

“You’ve been outvoted.” Tim said.

  
“I don’t- there's no music.” Jon protested. “Can’t sing if there's no music.” 

“You have the songs on your phone, Jon.” Sasha teased. “We know you do. Come on, we won't tell anyone. And Tim promises not to film.” 

  
“I promise no such thing.” Tim said.

“Yes, he does. Cmoooon, Jon!” Sasha said.

“I’d quite like to hear it.” Martin smiled at Jon. Jon sighed and dug out his phone, deciding he was just tipsy enough to actually do this.

He scrolled through his song tracks and turned one. He cleared his throat, closing his eyes and tried channeling that part of himself he’d thought he put to rest years ago.

“ Oh, when the red rose, it comes a-marching...Well, we will fight, we will fight, fight for our boy Jack! When the red rose, it comes a-marching...Spit in the face of history!”

The music started up and Jon opened his eyes again, a look of excited fury and energy on his face as he continued singing of the giant slayer Jack. 

Sasha and Tim began to clap along to the tune, Tim even joining in by shouting “OUR BOY JACK!” once he caught on.

Martin just stared at the display. If he was screwed before, he was...so, so much more screwed now.

_______________________

“WHAT DO YOU _MEAN_ YOU BURNED DOWN THE _WRONG FOREST_?! FORGET IT!” Elias slammed down the phone and angrily scribbled ‘Desolation’ from his list.

______________________

“Space pirates?!” Tim asked, clutching his chest as he laughed.

  
“Immortal space pirates.” Jon clarified, taking another sip of his beer. “Roaming the universe in the starship Aurora, and I was their humble captain. Jonny D’Ville.” 

Jon felt a little twinge at no one repeating ‘first mate’ back to him, but he didn’t bring it up.

“This...has to be the most surprising thing I’ve ever learned about you, boss,” Tim said. “Really and truly, I will never look at you the same again.”

“Oh my GOD.” Sasha gasped, looking down at her phone. “THERE ARE PICTURES.”

“NO WAY.” Tim said, nearly tripping over his feet to get to Sasha’s side.

“Fuck.” Jon groaned, burying his head in his hands. 

Martin got up and walked over to see as well, and gasped slightly at what he saw on Sasha’s phone. Jon looked impossibly younger, his mid-length ebony hair pulled back by a pair of dark steampunk goggles. He had dark eyeliner that spidered out from his eyes in black tendrils. A flowy off white shirt hung from his frame, various belts and straps adorned his waist and arms, and he held a prop revolver in one hand, a lit cigarette hanging from his lips. 

“Fuck _off_.” Martin whispered to himself, his eyes scanning the image over and over again. 

“Look, I was in University, I was an English major, my friends and I were a theatrical bunch.” Jon sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose again.

“You look really good in eyeliner.” Martin whispered, mostly saying it to himself.

“What?” Jon asked, frowning.

“Martin said you look hot in eyeliner, Boss. Should wear it more often.” Tim grinned and threw Jon a wink.

“Sorry Martin, I tossed my last stick ages ago,” Jon smirked against the lip of his beer, taking another sip. “Get me boozed up like this again though and who knows what will happen.” He joked

Martin decided at that moment that Jonathan Sims would absolutely be the death of him.


	3. Martin Is The Mom Friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elias calls on The Stranger, Martin deals with a drunk Jon, and the crew have breakfast the next morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi friends, here's my next chapter. Once again shout out to the official RQ Discord for encouragement and help. Also, I have put in a reference to one of my favorite fics ever, "Avatar Groupchat" which can be found here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21599185 (its Nikola's 'vibe' quote. I absolutely can't take credit for it) 
> 
> If you haven't read it yet, you really, really should. 
> 
> Enjoy!

Elias set his glasses down on the table (entirely for show, he had perfect vision, of course, but he liked how refined they made him look) and rubbed the bridge of his nose. This entire business was much harder than he expected it to be. Really, he’d expected to be able to get at least two marks out of this silly camping trip, he hadn’t realized how incompetent the other entities Avatars were(though the fact that none of them had connected the dots that he had should have tipped him off, really.) 

Elias knew the Stranger was vying for a ritual soon, he also knew Gertrude had taken something important from them. He didn’t get on with The Circus well, but perhaps he could convince Ms. Orsinov of a little quid pro quo. 

He dialed a number and sighed.   
  
“Annabelle. Could you get me in touch with Nikola?”

___________________________________________________

Jon was pleasantly drunk. He felt floaty and relaxed in the best way possible, without having drunk too much to feel sick or straight up woozy. He looked over at Tim and Sasha who were giggling to themselves while trying to make smores. Jon then glanced over at Martin who’s cheeks were flush from the alcohol, or perhaps from the warm fire in front of him. He also had chocolate on the side of his mouth.

Jon reached forward and wiped it off with his thumb. Martin’s face turned a deeper shade of red than it had been before, and he squeaked out a surprised “Jon!”

“Chocolate,” Jon said, completely unconcerned with how inappropriate it may or may not be to thumb chocolate off of your subordinate's mouth. “On your face, it was there. I fixed it.” Jon slurred

“T-thanks.” Martin said, looking back at the fire intently. 

“Your face is all red. Probably shouldn’t have it close to the fire. Sunburnt. Can you get sunburnt from fire? No that's just- regular burnt.” Jon frowned and narrowed his eyes in thought. “Anyway. You shouldn’t burn your face, Martin. Its- a good face. Cheeks.” He said, reaching out to poke them gently. “Round ones. Good.”

“Jon you’re drunk.” Martin babbled out.

“Yeah, s’great.” Jon grinned, pulling his arm back and slouching in his chair. “I feel great.”

  
“Martin looks like he’s about to stroke out,” Tim said, turning to them. “What did I miss?”

“Jon’s drunk and he was...he touched my face,” Martin said. “Several times.” 

“Sorry,” Jon said to Martin apologetically. “Didn’t mean- consent is important Martin and I didn’t ask first, msorry. I’ll ask next time I want to touch your face.” 

“Jon I think we should get you to bed,” Martin said, his voice higher pitch than usual.   
  


“Yeah Martin, GET IT!” Tim whooped.    
  


“Tim, shut up. Make sure you put the fire out.” Martin said, standing and helping Jon stand. Jon leaned on him and allowed himself to be led to the tent. 

“Martin, Martin,” Jon said, pawing at him to get his attention. Martin manhandled Jon down onto the air mattress, deciding Jon would appreciate it despite what he’d said to Martin earlier in the night.    
  
“What, Jon?” Martin asked, grabbing Jon’s sleeping bag and trying to maneuver it under him. 

“I’m not going to have sex with you. I’m sorry but I won't.” Jon said to him. Martin’s face burned. 

“Jon, I’m not trying to have sex with you, I promise. Take your pants off, _under_ the covers. You’ll be more comfortable. I’ll be over here.” Martin said, moving towards where he’d swapped out Jon’s sleeping bag for his. He grabbed his bag and got out pajamas, changing into them quickly before grabbing his medication and swallowing it down.

“What was that?” Jon asked, seeing Martin take something. Ever curious, and his drunk brain didn’t connect that it might be inappropriate to ask about it. 

“Its...depression medication, Jon.” Martin sighed, sliding into his sleeping bag. Jon turned on his side and looked at Martin, the fire outside casting a dim glow in the tent.

“You’re depressed?” Jon asked, a soft sound to his voice. “Is...is it because of me? Because I’m mean to you a lot? Tim and Sasha say I’m mean to you.” 

Martin couldn’t help the soft laugh that left his throat.

“That's...not how depression works, Jon. I’m not depressed because of you, I’m depressed because my brain doesn’t make the right chemicals.” Martin said, his voice matching Jon’s gentle volume and tone. “And you aren’t...mean to me, you’re just. Erm. Strict.”

Jon sighed and looked at Martin with a hint of sadness on his face. 

“Martin I’m a bit of an arse.”

Martin grinned at him. “Yeah, you’re a bit of an arse. But that's alright, Jon. I’m use-” Martin cut himself off and blew out a breath, then turned on his back and looked up at the top of the tent. “I’m used to not being enough.” he whispered.

Jon frowned and reached over slowly until his hand was resting on Martin’s shoulder. Jon took a breath and started to sing.   
  
“ _ Trapped within the warmth and the darkness, from the waking world I was torn _

_Never leaving dreamless slumber, in a mind that's broken and worn_ -”

  
“Jon, what are you doing?”

  
“Singing you to sleep Martin, keep up...

_ Guarded by uncounted ready guns and blades _

_Sharper than a barrier of thorns_."

  
  
Martin laughed, his eyes shining slightly as he watched Jon. “Is this another one of your songs?” He asked softly

  
  
“Yes, it's usually sung by the toy soldier though, my voice isn’t meant for it but I’m trying. Now stop interrupting me. 

_ Once, out in the sky, I was happy, faintly I remember the sun _

_Soaring through the dawn and its brightness, battle, beauty; both had I won_.”

  
  
Martin closed his eyes for a moment and allowed himself to sink into the comfort of Jon’s voice.   
  


___________________

Martin must have fallen asleep at some point because he found himself blinking awake. The tent was quiet, and there was no longer light coming from outside, meaning the fire must have been snuffed. The was a weight on against his side and he looked down to see that at some point, Jon has slid off the air mattress and was tucked against Martin’s side. 

“ _Oh_.” Martin said softly and closed his eyes again to allow himself to guiltily enjoy Jon being close. Martin’s bladder soon protested though, and he sighed, knowing he couldn’t rightfully go back to laying with Jon once he’d gotten up. Martin slowly and carefully pushed Jon with one hand and held the air mattress with the other, trying to push him back onto it. The mattress squished under Jon and allowed Martin to roll the sleeping man back onto it.

Martin unzipped his sleeping bag and crawled to the mouth of the tent, unzipping it so he could make his way outside, slipping on a pair of shoes. He walked some ways away from the campsite to do his business.

“ _Martin..._ ” A soft voice called from somewhere. It sounded a bit like Jon, but...it wasn’t coming from the direction of the tent where Martin had just left him.

“ _Martin, I need your help._ ” The voice called again. It was just...ever so slightly...off.

Martin squinted in the dark towards the voice. He heard a soft laugh.

“ _Martin, come to me. Come join me._ ”

Martin shook his head. “Yeah, no thanks, I’m set.”

Martin walked back to the tent and zipped it shut.

______________________________

Elias awoke to a shrill ringing. He sighed and sat up in his four-poster bed and slid off the eyemask(adorned with two closed eyes covered in sequins. Peter had bought it for him as a joke but honestly it did help him sleep) and answered his phone.   
  
“Bouchard.” He snapped.

“Elias! I Have Horrible News! Martin Said No!” The trill voice on the other end said.

  
  
“What do you mean, he said no?” Elias sighed, rubbing his temple. Talking to Nikola always gave him a headache.

  
  
“I Sent One Of My Best! They Tried To Lure Martin With A Siren Song, But He Said No! Nothing To Be Done!” Nikola said, not sounding any less happy than she had before.

“Nothing to be- Since _when_ does the stranger care about _consent_!? Nikola, you send your… _thing_ back and take someone, I need this!” Elias growled.   


  
“Sir! Do Not Speak To Me In That Manor! Right Now Your Vibes Are Simply Atrocious! Have A Lovely Night!” Nikola hung up. 

Elias threw his phone across the room.

___________________________

Jon woke up with cottonmouth and a headache. He was also definitely not alone, and was pressed up against Martin’s side (again, not that Jon knew there had been a first time.)

Jon was going to move, he was. Eventually. Once his head stopped pounding and Martin's chest(Chest? Was his head on Martin’s chest?) stopped being so comfortable. 

“Jon?” Martin whispered softly, feeling that Jon had tensed somewhat. Martin had been up for a few minutes but couldn’t bring himself to move Jon again.

  
“Mahuntdsd” Jon managed, then cleared his throat and tried again. “Martin. Morning, sorry I’ve used you as a pillow again. I’d be embarrassed but right now my head is pounding and I think if I move I may throw up.” 

“That bad, hm? Shouldn’t have switched to whiskey when Tim offered last night.” Martin teased lightly. “I’ve brought ibuprofen. I’ll get you some, but you should eat something and not take it on an empty stomach.” 

Martin slowly extracted himself from beneath Jon and moved towards one of his bags, grabbing out some crackers, ibuprofen, and a small bottle of water. He helped Jon sit up and gave him the crackers, then the medicine.

“Thank you, Martin. I’ve made a fool of myself.” Jon mumbled, sipping the water slowly. “You’re very good at...caring. For people.” 

Martin flushed again and shrugged. “Just...something I’ve always done.” 

“You should’ve gone to uni for Nursing instead of Parapsychology.” Jon teased lightly. Martin stiffened and laughed.

  
“R-right, yeah, maybe.” He said. “We should- I’ve got stuff to make a proper breakfast, you should eat. I’ll bet Tim is in a similar state to you right now.” Martin muttered and grabbed the cooler he was keeping their food in and unzipped the tent.

Just as Martin was exiting the tent, he saw Sasha leave Tim’s in just an oversized shirt, the one Tim had been wearing last night. Sasha caught Martin’s eye, and Martin raised an eyebrow, to which she just bit her lip and shrugged, then shuffled off to her tent, likely to get properly dressed.

Tim exited soon afterward, looking far too awake and bright for the amount he’d drank last night. 

“Morning Marto! How was your night? Mine was absolutely top, thanks for asking! Breakfast?” Tim grinned, coming over to plop down in the camping chair and started to try and get the fire going again.

Jon shuffled out of the tent looking like the living dead. He glared at Tim.

“I hate you, Tim Stoker.” Jon mumbled and sat down across from him, still sipping the water Martin had given him.

“Well, we love you, Mr. D’Ville.” Tim winked. 

Jon groaned. “Oh no, I sang didn’t I?”

“You sure did.” Sasha grinned, coming out of her tent now clothed for the day. “It was great! You have a really good voice, actually.”

“I’d prefer if this information never left this camping trip.” Jon said, rubbing his temples. 

“Aw Boss, you can’t give us that gift and then take it away!” Tim said, poking at the small flames he’d managed to get going. “Martin still wants to see you in eyeliner.” Tim wiggled his eyebrows.   
  


“If it makes Jon uncomfortable, then we should stop.” Martin muttered, getting out the camping skillet he brought to place over the fire and warm up. 

“Cmon Martin, let us have a little fun before you momma bear us into being nice to Jon.” Tim pouted.   


  
“Alright, everyone is allowed to bully Jon once more this trip.” Martin grinned

  
“Oi!” Jon protested.

  
“I’m _kidding_. Everyone be nice to Jon, he could fire us.” Martin smiled.

“Yeah, better watch your backs…” Jon muttered. “Do we have coffee or tea?”

Martin looked at him, a hurt expression on his face.  “Jonathan Sims, did you think I wouldn’t bring a way to make tea?” Martin gasped.   
  


Sasha giggled. “Martin is the tea king. If he didn’t bring a way to make tea I’d assume something was wrong.”

“Well, everyone eat up and drink up because today we’re going Kayaking,” Tim told everyone. “AKA My favorite part of being outdoors.”

“Kayaking?” Jon blanched. “On the water?”

  
  
“No Jon, on the land.” Tim deadpanned. “Yes on the water! There's a lake nearby, and I brought two Kayaks, dunno if you noticed the bright orange and yellow things on top of the car, Jon.” 

“Did you at least bring life vests?” Jon asked, concerned. Tim rolled his eyes. “You’re worse than Martin, yes I brought life vests.” 

“Well...good, I suppose.” Jon mumbled. 

  
Suddenly, a metal mug was being thrust into Jon’s hands.  “Tea.” Martin said. 

  
  
“Wha- when did you even make this?!” Jon asked, blinking.   


  
“When you were complaining about Kayaking, I’ve been boiling water nearly since we came out here, Jon.” Martin smiled, holding up the carafe of water he’d put on the fire earlier. 

“Or, Martin is a tea wizard.” Sasha said pointedly, being handed her own cup of tea. 

“Yeah that's it, Martin is definitely a tea wizard.” Tim agreed.

  
  
“I thought I was a tea king?” Martin asked, pouring hot water into a mug with a teabag in for Tim.

“Both,” Sasha said. “Tea King who’s also a wizard.” 

“All hail Tea KingWizard Martin Blackwood!” Tim said, raising his cup.

  
  
“All Hail Martin Blackwood!” Sasha agreed with a grin, holding her cup up. The two of them looked at Jon expectantly.

  
Jon sighed and held up his cup. “All hail Martin Blackwood.” He said, less enthusiastically than the others.

  
  
Martin blushed as they drank to him.


	4. You Should Get That Looked At

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A kayaking trip reveals that Jon's an idiot, and that Martin is probably the most valuable player(but we all already knew that, didn't we?)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH WOW this. took. longer to produce than it should have, and it's not even as long as it should be but my brain desperately wanted to put something out so here it is. 
> 
> Shout out once again to the official RQ discord. I fully blame them for this, especially the cheese. This chapter is also maybe slightly more crack than the others but then again...this was never meant to be taken seriously.

After their breakfast, Tim had led the group back to the range rover so they could grab the kayaks and life vests. 

“Alright, Marto, you and I will carry one, and Sasha and Jon can carry the other. It’ll work best, height-wise.” Tim pulled the first kayak down, setting it on the ground before pulling down the other. 

“You said there were life vests?” Jon wrung his hands together slightly nervously.

“In the boats, Jon. Don’t worry, I won’t let you drown.” Tim winked at Jon and hefted the kayak he was meant to carry with Martin up.

Sasha co-ordinated picking the other kayak up with Jon, who fumbled with it for a moment before lifting it over his head. 

  
“I can swim,” Jon told them all. “Just- safety is imperative especially on a work retreat.” 

“We’ll be fine,” Tim said. “The lake isn’t even that deep, I promise.”

_________________________

Elias rubbed the bridge of his nose and took a deep breath before dialing a number he really hadn’t wanted to dial.

“Ah! Elias, how lovely to hear from you! Its been too long, my boy!” A chipper voice rang out after only a ring.   
  
“Simon,” Elias said curtly. “I need a favor.” 

“A favor you say?! Oh you know I’m always good for it, Elias dear. For a price.” Elias could practically hear the old man’s grin, it was infuriating. 

“Of course,” Elias sighed. “Nothing for nothing. What is it you’ll want?”

“Oh, I think you know, don’t you?” 

“I’m not giving you Rosie’s number. She doesn’t like...heights.” Elias said through gritted teeth. 

“Oh hoh hoh! I could show her how wonderful they are! How beautiful, how entranc-”

  
“Simon, please.” 

  
  
“Alright, alright. What about you then, hm? Lukas still have you under his oversized thumb or are you free to... _mingle_?” Simon asked.

  
  
“Not with you, Simon. Never again.” Elias grunted. 

  
  
“You’re no fun these days, Elias,” Simon said, practically pouting on the other line. 

“How about you listen to what I need from you first, then you can decide if a reward is built into it for you, hm?” Elias asked, tapping his pen against his desk. “Do you happen to still have that scuba gear?”

__________________________________

Soon enough, the four Archival staff members reached the lake. There was a small clearing around the shore, just enough to fish or launch small boats. 

“Alright, Sasha and I will take the one Martin and I carried, Boss, you and Martin take the other one,” Tim said, putting the kayak down at the edge of the lake. 

Jon snuck slightly closer to Martin.

  
“You know, I think I see what Tim is doing,” Jon whispered conspiratorially to Martin so that Tim and Sasha wouldn’t hear.

Martin flushed and rubbed the back of his neck. “O-oh? Do you? I mean it is sort of obvious isn’t it, they aren’t being subtle about it. If its mak-”   
  
“Not subtle at all.” Jon cut Martin off. “I hope Sasha doesn’t feel uncomfortable.”

Martin blinked. “Sasha? Honestly, she seems pretty in on it. I feel like she’s trying just as hard as Tim.” 

“Is she?” Jon asked, frowning a bit. “Well, I suppose she must be if she’s allowed it to go this far.”

“Should I ask them to stop?” Martin asked shyly.    
  
“Well I mean if both parties are receptive and willing I don’t see the harm in it. So long as it doesn’t affect anyone’s work.” Jon nodded.

Martin went red again and nearly choked on his own tongue. “Are...both parties receptive and willing?!”    
  
Jon shrugged. “Certainly seems that way to me, I mean the projection of feelings here seems fairly obvious, wouldn’t you agree? Seems everyone has noticed. Even myself and I’ve been known to be oblivious.” 

Martin looked like he might faint. “You’ve noticed, then? The...projection of feelings?”

“Well yes, Martin. That’s why we’re discussing it, because I noticed, keep up.” Jon sighed. 

“You’re okay with it? You...do you feel the same way?” Martin asked, biting his lip.

“I mean, I don’t object to it.” Jon shrugged. “So long as it’s kept out of the archives, of course. Canoodling at work isn’t something I’ll tolerate.”

“R-right! No...canoodling in the archives got it.” Martin squeaked out. “Is...does that mean there could be erm, canoodling...o-outside of the archives?” 

Jon raised an eyebrow. “Well, I don’t want to assume anything but…” Jon shrugged. “I wouldn’t be particularly surprised.” 

“Wow. Okay, wow, give me a second I didn’t think- Honestly I never thought this would happen.” Martin said, taking a deep breath.

“No? I feel like it's been heading that way for a while. Honestly, I’m a bit surprised it didn’t happen sooner.” Jon said casually. “Tim has been flirting with her for ages now.”

Martin frowned a bit. “Tim? Wait, hold on.” Martin blinked, beginning to think there had been a misunderstanding. “What are we talking about?”

  
Jon looked at Martin like he was thick, which, to be fair, Martin was feeling a bit thick right now.   
  
“Tim and Sasha? And how he keeps trying to do things to get the two of them alone?” Jon said slowly. “What were you talking about?”

“Oh! No. Uhm, yes. M-me too. Tim and Sasha, yeah.” Martin said, swallowing around a lump in his throat. Of course, Jon was talking about Tim and Sasha. Of course, he hadn’t been talking about him and Martin. Martin wasn’t that lucky.

Jon eyed Martin suspiciously. “No, you weren’t. Who were you talking about, Martin?” He asked, taking a small step towards Martin.   
  
Martin wrung his hands together nervously and opened his mouth-

“Jon! Martin! Cmon slowpokes, Sasha and I are already in the water!” Sure enough, when Jon looked over, Tim and Sasha were already in their kayak, life vests donned and paddles ready.

Martin sighed and helped Jon push their kayak over to the water, then grabbed a life vest and handed a second one to Jon. Jon nearly swam in his, while Martins felt tight and almost constricting. He should have brought his own, he should have realized a Tim sized life vest wouldn’t fit, maybe he shouldn’t have even come on this trip. Clearly no one actually _wanted_ him he-

“Martin? Martin!” Jon said, snapping his fingers in front of Martin’s face. Martin blinked and looked at Jon.

“Are you alright? You seemed...you spaced out for a moment.” Jon said, an actual look of concern on his face that genuinely surprised Martin a bit. 

“Er, yeah. Fine. Great, even!” Martin said, putting on a smile. “Let's get going, Sasha and Tim are going to leave us behind if we don’t.” He said, giving a small laugh.

Jon and Martin pushed their kayak into the water and stepped inside, pushing themselves off the shore with their oars. They paddled quickly to get out to where Tim and Sasha were. 

“Finally! I was beginning to think maybe you two were going to stay back for some alone time.” Tim threw them a wink. 

“To leave you and Sasha alone, you mean?” Jon asked, overemphasizing. He tossed his own wink at Tim, which made Tim make a bit of a face. If Martin thought he could get away with a facepalm right now, he would. 

“Right… Anyway, I thought we could paddle out to this little island and have a picnic on it.” Tim said, pointing towards the direction he knew the island was. 

“Oh, were we supposed to bring food?” Jon asked, blanching a bit. “I didn't- I mean I’ve got some cheese but-”

“Don’t worry, didn’t you see the cooler Tim was carrying on our way- wait did you say you brought cheese?” Martin asked, narrowing his eyes. “How- why did you bring cheese?”

“Oh,” Jon said, reaching into his pants pocket to pull out a small bag of what looked like...shredded cheese. “I Uhm, its- comfort food?”

“Jon. Jon, please tell me you haven’t had *shredded cheese* in your pocket all morning. Jon that's _disgusting_.” Martin said, his face scrunching up.

Jon looked sadly at the bag and nodded. “Er, yeah. I sort of- I didn’t think about how to keep it cool, I didn’t realize we’d brought the cooler and- yeah. No, it’s. I’m not going to eat it now…” Jon said, but he looked almost sad about it. He put the bag down and picked the paddle back up. 

It was moments like these that Martin thought to himself ‘ _This is the man I’ve decided to fall for_ ’ and he questions why he is the way he is.

Suddenly, Martin’s paddle strikes something hard. A rock, maybe? No, can’t be, the paddle seemed to be able to move it. Martin looked behind them and saw what looked like a diving mask floating on the water. Huh, odd, seemed like whatever he hit had been much heftier than that, but there didn’t seem to be anything else in the water.

Martin decided not to think about it.

\-----------------------------------

“Simon. Simon stop _yelling_ for god sakes-” Elias gritted his teeth as he spoke over the phone.

“Are you aware of the LUMP on my forehead now, Elias?! It's HIDEOUS! My favorite hat doesn't even FIT anymore! I’m having you pay my medical bills!” Simon’s shrill voice came over the line.

“First of all, Simon, you won't have any medical bills to pay, I know you didn’t go to the hospital, and they wouldn’t have done you any good even if you did. Secondly, how were you _stupid_ enough to not see an oar coming at your face?!” Elias barked.

“Not all of us have perfect vision! The diving masks always fogs up a bit and I was swimming very fast to try and get to the kayak, it came out of nowhere! Do you know how long I was unconscious for at the bottom of that lake!? You are lucky I can’t drown!” Simon ranted.

“I think you mean unlucky. If you had drowned, my life would have one less _gremlin_ in it.” Elias hissed.

“Gremlin!? GREMLIN?! That's IT, you are no longer invited to the annual Fairchild Fundraising Gala for Orphans Who Want To Learn To Skydive Good!” 

  
“Peter will be thrilled. Goodbye, Simon.” Elias said and hung up on the other man. Elias glared down at his sheet and drew a line through ‘ _Vast_ ’. 

Things were beginning to look a bit grim. 


	5. Its A Mystery

“Here we are!” Tim bellowed, his and Sasha’s kayak bumping up onto the shore of the island. Tim got out first and held his hand out to Sasha to help her get out of the boat without falling. Martin and Jon’s kayak quickly shored beside theirs.

  
Martin managed to get out of the kayak and held his hand out to Jon, who looked at it for a moment before putting his hand in Martin’s. Martin held onto Jon’s hand as Jon took a step out of the kayak, which hadn’t been quite onshore enough for it to not tip in the water. Jon fell forward and Martin pulled him by his hand, using his other arm to wrap around Jon and tug him to Martin’s chest so Jon wouldn’t fall. Jon yelped but was soon pressed tightly to Martin’s chest, not in danger of going anywhere. They stood like that for a moment, before Jon awkwardly started to struggle a bit in Martin’s arms.  
  
“Oh!” Martin released Jon. “S-sorry, sorry i- just- you were falling and-”  
  
“It's quite alright, Martin.” Jon cleared his throat and Hello, Jon. Apologies for the deception, but I wanted to make sure you started reading, so I thought it best not to announce myself. I’m assuming you’re alone; you always did prefer to read your statements in private. I wouldn’t try too hard to stop reading; there’s every likelihood you’ll just hurt yourself. So just listen.

Now, shall we turn the page and try again?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry, Im SO SORRY I couldn't help myself I really *really* couldn't help myself
> 
> the real chapter 5 will be posted later this week I promise. I love you guys


End file.
